During the postal strike of 2025, a memo was hand-delivered by The Editor. I can’t quote it exactly because I immediately ripped it up, set it afire and swallowed the ashes. But here’s a sample: “Your column needs to widen its demographic appeal. Aim for more sizzle, less steak. Heat things up a bit. Appeal to the soccer moms.”
Frankly, I was as discombobulated as a frankfurter in a hamburger bun. For months, I’d been typing until my fingers bled blood and barely sleeping, all in the interest of delivering finely honed prose on deadline. What more could The Editor expect? Then it hit me like a soccer ball to the forehead.
Sizzle, steak, heat, moms.
He was metaphorically demanding I create a hunger in the female demographic so intense readers would be compelled to share the magazine with their friends and relatives of all ages.
In short, there was nothing wrong that a few juicy recipes couldn’t fix. Dear Editor, I’m happy to add some personal faves anyone can cook.
PANCAKES: Ingredients: Two eggs, two cups of milk, two tablespoons of oil … from the cupboard, not the garage (the wet ingredients). Two cups of flower (oops, where’s autocorrect?), two teaspoons of baking powder (or two tablespoons?), two cups of milk (the dry ingredients). The secret, let me mansplain, is this: Mix wet and dry separately, then add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, BONEHEAD. The Dreaded Editor doesn’t like all caps, but you know what? They’re sexy. They’re authoritative. Soccer moms despise men who never use them.
NACHOS: Ingredients: Nacho chips, shredded cheese, salsa. IN THAT ORDER. Microwave for 40 to 45 seconds. Serve.
OMELETS: Beat eggs in a bowl WITH SHELLS REMOVED, BONEHEAD. Chop and add various ingredients to taste. Add shredded cheese and some milk. Fry on hot skillet and attempt to flip once. If the flip fails, rename the concoction SCRAMBLED EGGS.
HOT DOGS: Enough said.
No one can deny the sizzle in the above recipes. Strength over length.
However, for length, it’s hard to beat the Josephburg United Church of Christ Cookbook produced in 1980 to commemorate the 75th anniversary of Alberta. The ladies generated an amazing 1,394 recipes in 45 categories over 328 pages.
In the interest of space, I can only offer a tiny, tantalizing taste of the full gastronomic spectrum.
From Mrs. Frank R Becker: Recipe 952. Pineapple Mincemeat Pie: “Fill unbaked pie shell with mincemeat and then a layer of crushed pineapple. Criss-cross strips of crust over this. Bake as usual.”
Obviously in small-town Alberta in 1980, any bonehead knew (a) how to make a pie shell (b) the ingredients and skill that go into criss-crossing strips of crust and (c) how long at what temperature to bake a pineapple mincemeat pie.
Please, please share this column and its recipes with friends and relatives. Somehow, I have to keep The Editor happy, and no pie I can bake as usual will do.